It's been a year since I wrote digitally. I know how it is, and how it differs from writing on paper. With words on screens, you become more careful about what part of you to peel away. Not peel for anyone, but peel for a destination. I was too afraid of a destination. But staying in loop is not any fun neither. So here I am, decided to let words flow, see what destination I can come about.
"Lately, all the ghosts turn into reasons and excuses."
Late night, while my brain is all free up from tasks, the mind starts to wander; mostly wander around lingering thoughts on my relationships with the people around me.
"I don't know." "It's really hard to put my thoughts into words. They are all blurred up." "I cannot articulate."
I've been thinking who I've become throughout all these, how my complex has evolved under the seam without me knowing, or making a clear declaration.
Maybe analogies overload, but if I am to draw this thinking pattern out in canvas, it'll be me standing in a desert with no souls in sight, looking around, contemplating all these footprints left behind.
Do I still want to keep seeking? Maybe it's not about seeking, but about committing? Maybe I wasn't able to allow myself to truly love someone? or anyone.
Last year this time, I remember how I was drilling in the thought of "being present". But it's no longer about “being present”. It's about whether I allow myself to "being". I can be completely present, but completely devoid of possibilities, resorting to speaking the words they want to hear.
I am seeing a trend among us. No thoughts are new anymore. We are far from naive, we can't be. We start to smell blood. We start to see the consequences of our actions, for our care.
"Caring capacity", a phrase I come back to a lot recently. On all the things that happened, it's not even about who did right or wrong. It's about the things we didn't do, the words we didn't care to spell out. Our minds are so occupied that we don't care to listen. A crowd of crowded adult brains, full of worries and next steps. Next steps and neverending steps. Are we just enjoying the feeling of going somewhere? Are we just craving the feeling of being able to escape, from whatever reality that is not "somewhere"?
I've had truly, truly happy times this past year. I was able to recall happy memories and laugh at them. I have memories I am proud of - memories of big steps taken, memories of the deep well, and the light I bathed in out of the well. I truly tried.
But tonight, I am reflecting on the steps I didn't take. Something missing. Why am I constantly looking for holes? What am I trying to get to? Maybe the reason is simply "today is not one of those days", or maybe it's "I am still here, alone, haunted by my messy mind."
There is so much in the world I cannot understand, and so much in the world, I cannot make myself understand. The unfair advantage, living in the silo of my own ghost, telling me these pasts that made me cannot be understood by anyone else. These pasts that made me cannot be made to understand everyone else.
I may have turned these footprints into too deep of a rabbit hole here. It's hard to untangle my mind. I wish there's a simple fix. But I don't see a simpler fix other than spotting thoughts. Spotting thoughts so I can think less about them.
“I wish I can get to a point where I can stop talking about this.” “To do that, you gotta let yourself be okay with talking about it." Father's day is still stupid hard for me.
But one thing is for sure - I don't need this fix coming from anyone. I am the one; won't let anyone do this for me except me.
And from now to then, all I need is an understanding. A caring capacity.
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