The Four People In Every 1-On-1

Note: This was originally published October 21st, 2016 as an internal note at Facebook. I'm reposting here for reference. I had the opportunity to participate in two separate workshops over the past few weeks that related to how we work with our colleagues here at Facebook. The first was a Standout workshop with the Ads Measurement design team and the second was a workshop on how to be a better facilitator (of meetings, brainstorms, etc) led by Courtney Kaplan and Wendy Owen. In both of those conversations, there was a significant amount of time spent talking about giving and receiving feedback with colleagues, ranging from the kinds of feedback to give, how to deliver it, how to receive it, and so on.



These conversations reminded me of a great quote I heard, which I often attribute to a college psychology class I took (would love a citation):



“There are four people in every conversation between two people; the person I think I am and the person I think you are AND the person you think you are and the person you think I am.”



In many of these conversations, we talked about how the challenge in giving and receiving feedback often comes from perspective - either you’re not sure if you’re just interpreting a situation in your own way with your own (often unconscious) bias, or if the person who is giving you feedback really understands the circumstances that led to the situation they are giving feedback about. Very often, I’ve found myself on defense when receiving feedback because I am experiencing the gap between who I think I am and who the other person thinks I am. This gap, to me, is the biggest obstacle when it comes to giving and receiving feedback well.



In order to close this gap, it’s important to listen and ask questions so that you can identify why this gap exists in the first place. Embrace the fact that you are likely affecting others in ways you’re not (yet) aware of, and be open to these conversations so that you can talk to each other rather than past each other.



Given that we should be having these conversations regularly (and often do thanks to mid-cycle, PSC, and pulse), I wanted to share a few tips that have worked for me:



• When you’re giving feedback, anchor your feedback in specific examples of events that have happened. Working from objective events allows for both of you to talk about how you subjectively interpreted those events and highlights that gap.

• When you’re giving feedback, do it in stages:

  • First, be clear about what happened and ensure that both parties are aligned on that.

  • Second, share how you experienced that, and give space for the other person to give feedback there. If you move directly from what happened to how you felt or experienced something, you’re not creating an inviting space and there’s a possibility that your recollection of what happened is incomplete.

  • Third, share how that experience made you feel - and give the other person space to ask questions and respond. This kind of sharing can help you two calibrate on the result of these actions and strengthen your working relationship going forward.

• As Boz says, “There is only one acceptable response when someone gives you feedback: 'Thank You.'” Someone has invested their time in helping you improve in some way and they didn't have to. Thank them for their time and feedback, and then follow up by asking questions so that you have a full understanding before responding. Don’t go on defense immediately.



I'd love to hear from you about how and if you experience this when you're giving or receiving feedback. Hopefully these tips can be helpful you, and I'd love to hear of any others you have below in the comments. I’ll leave you with one of my favorite images (that relates to feedback).



Thanks to Melissa Gregoli for her feedback.