~This letter is for my grandpa, who passed away at 3:15 AM (Beijing Time, GMT+8), May 26, 2021.
Hi grandpa!
I got my driver's license today!
I know, I know. This is not nearly as impressive as when you got yours. I have never heard of another person who got their license at the age of 70, and passed the test in one run. Meanwhile, here is me - who failed the road test twice before this one:).
Grandpa, do you remember the times when you visited me when I was a baby? Mom said I really loved your beer belly back then. You would make me dance on your belly. But oftentimes, I rested so comfortably on your beer belly that people always found both of us sound asleep on the sofa.
Grandpa, do you remember the Cantonese food place that we used to go to? We witnessed the transformation of the restaurant--from the red and gold wallpapers with a huge "囍" as the backdrop to the luxurious modern decor. So many things have changed; did we change a bit too? But whenever we went there, we always ordered the same dishes. We always had durian pastry for desserts. There are three pieces in each serving, and you always gave me two. Grandpa, whenever I get Cantonese food nowadays, I still get the same dishes. The good old taste was too good to change.
Grandpa, do you remember the last time that I saw you? It was a year and a half ago. I was home for just a few days, before rushing to other cities to work on my projects.
Grandpa, you are always the last one to finish the meal. People go to other places after eating. You also told me to do my own things rather than waiting for you. I usually listened - except that one time that I decided to stay.
It was the first and last real conversation that we had. I really felt that I got to know you, grandpa. You were talking about the time when you were sent to the Chinese countryside in the '60s through a political farce. The educated youths at the time encountered horrible living conditions and long hours of labor. Most people in your generation probably thought that they were having the worst times of their lives.
But not you, grandpa! The most memorable part of that experience was about the ducks. “They were sooooo tasty!" you said, reminiscing the taste sixty years later while leaving the unhappy memories behind. I could not help laughing with you. In some of the most challenging times of your life, the one thing that stood out was the delicious ducks!
The night before I left, we had a huge family dinner--perhaps the most uncommon one to date. While my brother and I were chasing dogs in the courtyard, the adults were busy outside the house. Someone brought a huge pot, probably twice the size of the kitchen sink. We used some logs to start a fire, put the pot on top of it, and then threw all kinds of ingredients in there--a unique type of noodles that uncle brought from the west, fish balls, cabbages, chicken, etc. It was the primitive version of the hot pot. The broth was boiling with life, and with my excitement.
My uncle got us a big cake. None of us had birthdays that day. We just wanted to celebrate. You were smiling a lot, grandpa. My brother was drooling. You put on the birthday “crown” on yourself and teased my brother that he could not have any slices. You really scared him, but you decided to give in at the end.
Grandpa, so many of my good memories with you are associated with food.
But I wish I stayed for one more meal with you.
I wish I played for you the Chinese song that you always wanted to hear.
I wish I called you more often, hearing you talking in broken Russian/Japanese/English jokingly while speaking with me.
I wish I realized that I missed you.
I wish I was less selfish.
I wish I am a better granddaughter, because I was not a very good one.
But grandpa, it's been so hard.
I do not know why I have warmth inside, but do not show enough towards you.
I do not know why I am busy thinking about changing the world, but do not have time to call you.
I do not know why I have this duality, grandpa.
You gave me a firm handshake when I was leaving. You asked me when I was coming back. “In summer," I said.
I never did. And now, I am bidding farewell to you on the other side of the planet. Nothing feels real but the taste of my tears.
I love you, grandpa. I'm sorry that I never said it to you.
さようなら
爷爷，我们下次再见👋 ！
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