Who knew that I'd get tested positive for COVID?
This is my second last day of quarantine. For the past few days, I have been living in an alternate reality. I am in New York, one of the busiest places in the world, and yet the fast-paced city life does not affect me. Ever since I received the call about my test results, I withdrew from the rhythms of my daily activities--the never-ending to-do list, the desire to stuff as many things as possible on my G cal, and the urge of constantly rushing forward.
Now I feel like a hermit. My only visual access to the outside world is the big window in the kitchen. The view reminds me of a Hitchcock movie that I watched in high school. The name I cannot remember, but it is about a lady who can't help watching her neighbors across the street through the windows. Now I think about it, quite a few movies by Hitchcock used this point of view. It is a strange perspective. Thanks to the movies, I consciously avoided peaking into other people's windows. However, I still see things and I could not help thinking: buildings within buildings; boxes within boxes; the physical arrangements of our world are just like layers and layers of reality.
I tried to escape from the intensity of New York. The attempt to hide from everything for a few days in a wifi-less house in Connecticut was futile. My body was tired, but my mind was in its full vitality. I was working, working, working; hosting meetings; doing assignments; scrolling on my phone; 16 out of 24 hours non-stop.
It seemed that I forgot how to rest.
To someone who always dreams of living in solitude, quarantine does not strike me as a nightmare. I often find myself imagining the ancient Chinese poets who got demoted, but made a life of their own in their new place. They let themselves to be inspired nature, pondered about life, and composed amazingly beautiful poems that still resonate with many centuries later. I dream of the lives of musicians that play Gu Qin (a Chinese stringed instrument) near the waterfalls—the sound of nature interacting with echoes of Gu Qin always gives me a sense of the divine. I also admire the stories of people who left their ordinary lives, found a spot in the mountains, and focused solely on seeking the Enlightenment—the ultimate truth about the universe.
Maybe I was one of those people in my past lives. The more I think about the stories, the more I feel connected to ancient Chinese culture on a spiritual level. Because of the inexplicable ties that I experience with Chinese culture, I decided to turn the isolation period into days of self-cultivation.
My days are structured as the following:
Start the day with exercises from my faith; prepare for what I want to eat
Study the scriptures and practice violin at some point during the day
End the day with meditation
Besides starting and ending the day with my faith, there is not much structure beyond that. I have a general sense of what I wish to do, but I got rid of my to-do list completely. Instead, I go with the flow and deal with the things as they come up.
Another experiment is about the perception of time. I consciously choose not to count days. I know I am leaving on the 13th, but I do not know how many days since I moved into the quarantine housing. Every day is the continuation of the previous one.
As I am approaching the conclusion of the quarantine, I have a few things that I want to reflect on as I return to my “ordinary” but extraordinary life.
Without faith, my heart does not know where to go.
When you have faith, nothing can affect you.
I am a practitioner, then I am everything else.
It is easy to follow the currents to rush forward. It is more important to pause, take a step back, and reassess. Every moment is a moment of cultivation.
Finding attachments that I can work on is a joy.
When your mind clears, the answer reveals itself.
Align your body, mind, and spirit in everything you do. Wait for your mind to process your movements. Wait for your body to show what is in your mind. Allow your spirit to guide your mind and body.
Focus on one thing, and one thing only.
Do not assume ill intentions of others. Do not allow your body to react immediately. Take a second. See things from another perspective. Treat others with grace and compassion.
Clear your mind. Release tension. Nothing else matters.
Be diligent, but not obsessive with progress. There are no mundane businesses that I absolutely have to get done on any given day. There are no opportunities I have to seize or else my whole life is ruined.
Clear your mind. Listen to others. Try to understand them.
Be tolerant. Be selective. It is about finding your focus and working on specializing in it.
Your life worth is not about the things that you accomplished. It is about if you become a more true, compassionate, and tolerant version of yourself along every second of the journey. Embrace the fluctuations of physical, emotional, and spiritual states. Embrace the continuous cycles.
Sometimes, when you have the idea of showing something to others in mind, the thing that you do will lose its magic. This is because instead of focusing on your act, you shift your focus towards showing the act. (On a side note, I have been struggling with my perspective on writing for a while now. Where should I place my focus? Should I write the piece with others in mind? Should I focus on having a dialogue with myself? I do think some people will find my blogs interesting, but I also hope to retain some mystery. But if I am too mysterious, I do not think that is my true self. I think this struggle is present for every art form. What are you doing? What is your intention? How would you want to be perceived? How would you be your true self while meeting the needs of others? Maybe at the end of the day, everything is connected. There is no way to be true without compassion and forbearance. There is no way to be compassionate without being true and tolerant. There is no way to be tolerant without being true and compassionate. Ongoing questions.)
I have a much deeper connection with music than I expected. Be experimental but be humble. Be daring. Do not be afraid.
Practice and let your body, mind and spirit grow.
Moving forward, not much needs to be said. Stay grounded in faith. Clear your mind. Keep playing music.
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