It is officially October 2022. I have approximately two months and a half left for my undergrad. I have no jobs lined up. What I will be doing after December 2022 is still a complete blur. No matter how many times I try to suppress my worries, I am still uncomfortable with this uncertainty. The attempts to suppress my anxieties and hide my fears only accumulate more stress over time.
Now, let me change my approach. Let me write down all the things that I am afraid of:
I am afraid that I could not find a job after I graduate
I am afraid of not being able to support myself financially
I am afraid that I won’t get accepted to any of the graduate programs that I apply to
I am afraid to disappoint my families for not doing the things that they think I would do, or not earning as much as they expect I would
I am afraid that I am trying to do too many things at the same time right now and could not achieve anything
I am afraid that I won’t be as disciplined in my practice as I expect myself to be
I am afraid that my hard work would amount to nothing
I could feel my heart rate went up as I was listing the things above. So many insecurities that I have pressed firmly into my body have now come to the surface. Let me take a deeeeeeeeeeeep breath and look at them.
Here are my observations:
Quite a few statements reveal my pursuit for fame and reputation. Even though I often tell people otherwise, even though I may appear that I do not care about these things much, deep down I still carry the desire to prove myself, show my worth, and be respected by others. I wanted to hear other people’s praise. I wanted to get their validation for what I am doing is right. But what’s the point? If I live by the principles of Truthfulness, Compassion, and Tolerance, shouldn’t I measure myself against these principles? Why am I letting other people to dictate my decision? Am I still being true and honest to myself?
I am attached to wealth/money also. This is a tricky one. I should not be reckless in the way I manage finances (i.e., mindless spending, refusing to keep track of my finances altogether—lol calling myself out right there). However, if I am too worried about money, what I am pursuing? Comfort? Fame? Reputation? Or all these above? It is not wrong to want to be financially independent–it is an inevitable path to adulthood. But it is unnecessary to be so worried to a point where I could not focus on the right things.
I also see a lot of self-doubt. The same old – “You are working hard. But you are not good enough.” Good enough for what? For fulfilling other people’s expectations? Is that what I want?
I’ve realized a while ago that one of the reasons why self-doubt can be so toxic is there is too much focus on the “self.” I’m only thinking about myself. I am trying to fit myself into other people’s boxes, even though I might be destined to blaze my own path. I am allowing myself to be driven by my worries and fears. I am suppressing what my true self tries to tell me.
Is this a test for my faith? Am I willing to surrender my control, trusting the process, and putting faith in the universe? The cure for self-doubt may not be overworking myself. Instead, maybe this is an opportunity for me to practice letting things go?
I have to say, it is a scary thing to figure out things on your own and not play by other people’s rules. But again, if I am completely certain of what I believe in, my values should be the driving force behind my actions.
I think my fundamental attachment might be the fear of being unworthy. It is important to fulfill my roles, contribute to the society and support people around me. However, if the desires to do these things well amount to fear, it only gets in the way of taking action and making changes that I need to get to wherever I need to be.
I have pushed through so many difficult tests along the way to get to where I am now. There is no path to go back; I could only push my way forward. I hope that fifty years later I could look back on the moment today, pat my shoulders and say, “Connie, I am so glad that you took the step. Just endure a tiny bit longer. Just let go of your insecurities. Things are coming your way. I know it’s so difficult, and I am so proud of you.”
Mencius once said, “When Heaven is about to place a great responsibility on a great man, it always first frustrates his spirit and will, exhausts his muscles and bones, exposes him to starvation and poverty, harasses him by troubles and setbacks so as to stimulate his spirit, toughen his nature and enhance his abilities. (天将降大任于斯人也，必先苦其心志，劳其筋骨，饿其体肤，空乏其身，行拂乱其所为，所以动心忍性，增益其所不能。)”
As for now—
Write that personal statement
Send that email
Work on those four measures before O in Schubert
And let go of that insecurity
This is an opportunity for me to toughen my mind and strengthen my will. Take it. Stay focused and cherish the moment.
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