2021 Annual Review

I am still in the mood of celebrating the newness of the New Year. A lot of it involves looking back and acknowledging my efforts including the consequences of my actions. Generally, there were a lot of thinking done throughout 2021. Afterall, it was a year where I was forced to make sense of things. I think it is a given as I had set the intention in the beginning of 2021 to not let my past experiences determine how I experience my present. This led me to questioning a lot. I was in a state of confusion most of the time, that my presence were blurry. Many things were senseless due to sometimes self-doubt and mostly how I considered experiences and moments to be reflexive and/or paradoxical.



Among things that got me are: how I got COVID when I was the one who went out the least in my family. Or when the Tokyo 2020 Olympics still took place in the pandemic. Or when there are reports about increasing poverty and subsequently rising inequality in our society- visible in the treatment of migrant workers, including the injustice and unequal treatment of the elites by the non-elected government "governing" Malaysia. Those situation were definitely some confusing shit for me, and "It is what it is" or “LIFE” were mostly my two reactions.



Sometimes I even had forgotten about these goals. Perhaps that was the point I wrote them out— so I can be reminded. I am not sure if all of it are “successful” but I know that I could only simply rate my effort. Thus, for this annual review, the format would be the same as the Q1+Q2 ie. the Mid-Year Review. I will do a quick recap of the goal described, and rate my effort. An additional point would be sharing the lesson learnt in hindsight because my vision was limited in the presence of such a predicament. There won't be any other sections synthesizing challenges, milestones, successes or failures. Just in the end, there is a section of "Overall Thoughts" describing rather the outcome of 2021: my idea of purpose, values, and making space for meaning.



Review of the 2021 Goals

TLDR:





In the name of the Lord, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful-

Goal 1: Get a job that I do not dislike

Essentially, the three main criteria are as follows:

1. Reinforce my sense of purpose

2. Provide mentorship opportunities and guidance

3. Decent salary



In the mid-year review, generously I rated my effort 4/5 and it fulfilled two out of the three criteria. Towards the end, I found that it was not near fulfilling because I did not get guidance and mentorship and my sense of purpose only resulted in blurriness. I was burned out to the point I would say "I hate my job!!" and I required arduous effort of dragging myself to my workspace. I was struggling a lot to apply myself despite 9 years of project management experience. Among the key challenges is the lack of clarity on my responsibilities and the availability of resources. Regardless, I rate myself a clear 4/5 for being able to create a detailed handover exit strategy that gives me clarity, and I hope it can also provide clarity for the management and the people after me.



In hindsight, I think that bad managers are commonly due to the lack of connection and compatibility. It's rather ridiculous that fresh graduates are expected to have "soft skills" and "people's skills" when I had met "managers" or superiors with 20-30 years of experience who made my skin crawl. This can be due to many reasons such as avoidance of conflict, egoism, or simply the entitlement of time and space (the list can go on but I shall stop here).



Essentially, the scarcity of fulfilment forced me to think about my sense of purpose altogether. I turned to my mentor's advice that said "find your purpose". It led me to dive head on to deeply ponder the common quarter-life crisis guided by queries of existentialism. Contemplating my values with the mission to reinforce my purpose has allowed me to sense freedom. For this, I am certain that it is quite difficult to dislike the job. Hence, the goal is achieved!



Goal 2: Set up a website to write more

In the mid-year review, I acknowledge the mistake of not setting a target for the website. I rated my effort 2/5. I also made the aim to write five articles in total for the Orange Magazine by the European Youth Press as it is also part of my fellowship commitment. While I did not achieve the target, I must acknowledge that I have written three articles for the magazine, produced a research paper with a team of volunteers from different time zones, crafted my sensibilities— in and outside my journals, and also articulated my impermanent thoughts. This site has provided me with the opportunity to think and to share my thoughts. Hence, I rate 3.5/5 for the overall effort of writing more.



In hindsight, I must admit that I bit more than I can chew and I was unrealistic with the expectation of my energy. To produce five quality articles while working on two portfolios for a full-time job, a research paper for the fellowship, strategising grad school application and managing my social calendar is too much! Nonetheless, I am grateful that I can contemplate and write more, including writing just for myself.



Goal 3: Take French exams

In the mid-year review, things were looking bleak and I rated my effort 0.5/5. I signed up for the workshop and came September, I enrolled in a programme. I left the programme in November, simply because I found myself distracted through the class. It was incredibly tiring despite noticing some improvements in being able to make out sentences and expanding my vocabulary. Signing up for classes, setting time, and allocating financial resources to it shows rather a high level of commitment. I rate myself 3/5 for establishing the system that would allow me to take the exam if I had the energy to make the time for it.



In hindsight, learning French is a fun experience and I would totally do it again. It reminded me that I enjoy not just the language but also the culture -nothing as reflected in 'Emilly in Paris' just so you know. I also enjoy French films and being able to apply an elementary level of understanding gave me such joy. Taking the wisdom from bullet journaling, I shall migrate this task to be accomplished not anytime soon. I cannot help but wonder if a French beau may help in accelerating this accomplishment. Perhaps an additional push may do the trick.

Goal 4: Read 12 Books for the year for leisure

In the mid-year review, I had completed four books and I rated myself 2/5 for this goal. I would say that the list remained as such as I was never able to pick another book. But, I took the effort to flip through an e-book for Zen practices and wisdom. This was the only book I read to calm myself and to reflect on the suggestions provided. Not exactly leisure but I certainly enjoyed it. In November, I had the pleasure of living at my friend's place with an extensive library. I picked up the thinnest fiction I could find, which was Orhan Pamuk's The White Castle. I am still reading it. Thus, the rating for my efforts is 2/5 acknowledging the crucial effort.



In hindsight, I had gone through quite a struggle with managing my mental and emotional capacity as well as my energy. Whether it's watching Netflix or reading books, ultimately, I think it's about consumption of information. While reading certainly improves the cognitive abilities to a certain extent, "reading for leisure" seems to be downplaying the energy required to read.



Goal 5: Apply for a Fellowship Programme

In my mid-year review, I had stated that I have not started in a detailed plan and I rated myself 2/5 for the "sort-of-a-plan" stage. Shortly after the mid-year mark, I started writing and listing out the schools I want to attend. In September, I started and submitted a scholarship application and that made me realise that I have insufficient resources (mostly, energy) to produce quality application(s). However, for starting the journey, I would rate myself 3/5 for writing this plan down on paper!



In hindsight, applying to any grad school programme requires tremendous effort. I certainly took it lightly and thought it is the same as applying for an exchange programme, or an international conference to which I had been accepted. Applying for grad school is a different ball game altogether and I am so incredibly grateful for the support I have received and being offered to me. Shout out to Alex, Jasmin, Cai May, and Gerald for always encouraging me and to my mentor and my colleagues!



I also changed my mind and decided not to apply for this specific fellowship programme I intended to. I decided to look around and widen my horizon not based on what I know (previous successful applications) but based on possibilities and imagination. It is honestly surreal and sometimes I felt decapitated while drafting out the application but I think this is vital process to reshape my ambition and sense of purpose overall.



Goal 6: Work on my health through three areas

1) Sleeping well

In the mid-year review, I rated myself 3/5 for being able to sometimes get 8 hours a day. towards the end of the year with heightened stress, I shifted too far from implementing the idea "sleep early, wake up early". I noticed that I stayed up late because I fear tomorrow, and I either sleep too little or too much. I rate myself 1/5 for the lack of effort to regulate my sleep.



2) Go to my doctor for meds and supplements

In the mid-year review, I rated myself 4/5. Considering my consistency with eating my meds and supplements, I rate myself 4.5/5. There are some missing days but usually, I realise that it happens when I have my routine shifted slightly. I am glad that I got my case back up with my doctors and there will be a bi-annual check-up. Looking forward to maintaining this.



3) Moving more

This year I set out the goal to run a mere 100K for 2021. However, it became more about me running from my problems through Netflix. In the mid-year review, I rated myself 4/5 for moving more and having collected some badges on the Nike Training app. Since June 2021, I have recorded 103 workout sessions. While I planned to join a running club, I instead only joined the social calls during the MCO and didn't show up for any of the running sessions because it was too overwhelming for me. Not stopping myself, I decided to go to the park nearby my house and just chill there whenever I can and needed to. I give myself 5/5 for this goal considering that I put in the effort and made the time to move more!



In hindsight, my ideal sleeping pattern cannot be achieved because of a more psychological reason. My mentor has told me to not measure myself against time but it feels difficult when my current generation is facing imminent threat and rampage of climate change which is approached as an epoch. Anyway, the maintenance of my health is indispensable and that is all the reminders I need to get more sleep, eat meds, and move more!



Goal 7: Figure out what resting looks like for me

In the mid-year review, I rated myself 3.5/5 and wanted to focus more on reducing my screen time de-stimulating my visual senses and providing more sensory input for my ears. I would say that I am not entirely successful with the above mission. While my phone screen time is reduced by 50-60%, I still spent too much time on Netflix. There were days when I could only ever watch Netflix and it has taken me some time to reconcile this. I had to also check my stress level as it would increase my bingeing tendencies. Generally, in resting mode, I find these around me: friends, coffee, anime (light-hearted tv shows & K-dramas included), and nice conversations - including those with myself through my pens and paper. My friend from the secondary school shared a profound nugget of wisdom when I asked him "what does rest look like for you?" and his answer was simply, "give yourself time". I rate myself 4/5 acknowledging the time I have taken for myself!



In hindsight, I am still experiencing burnout. To fully recover from burnout is almost impossible if one does not have the financial capacity to afford not "earning" money. It is also definitely about meeting emotional and mental needs. I believe this requires a lot of self-honesty and expectations management. At one point when I was on Quora, I found myself reading Asim Qureshi's (founder of Jibble) answers a lot. I then found a quote he shared from a CEO (I think) of Yahoo! that said "Burnout is about resentment". While I cannot quite fully agree with these CEOs and founders, I looked into articles about Bullshit Jobs by David Graeber. I was struck by the idea that there is a profound moral and spiritual damage that comes from believing that the tasks or jobs performed are unnecessary and meaningless. I see that it has similar themes with resentment and thus, I decided to gather various perspective on the idea of work to understand it further.



For now, I am still uncertain about the necessity of working. Except that I am not a trust fund baby, and I am ambitious, like I-want-to-be-a-philosopher- ambitious. I believe that like many things in this world are constructed by humans ourselves through ego and that includes needs themselves. But I have resorted to turning to the wisdom of my younger self that "There are things bigger than us, and beyond us" and that has helped me to feel less self-important while being kinder in acknowledging that I have my needs to be fulfilled. I can also shift my own idea of needs. And sometimes, I really just need the rest and it is not procrastination!



Overall Thoughts

I think 2021 was a splendidly difficult year, and despite that I was able to fulfil my top priorities. Now that I think of it, I am not sure if difficulties and goals are mutually exclusive or they are relative to each other. As in, are the goals become worth pursuing because they are difficult?



Regardless, 2021 required me to figure out my purpose, and it forced me to accept the tendencies that I had developed. In figuring out my purpose, I confronted myself with the following questions: "What are values? What are valuables for Eira? and What does Eira desire?". Values for me are the matters that make my life more nourishing not merely liveable. Nourishment is the feeling where your heart expands and it can contain a certain degree of suffering coalescing with a sense of freedom and compassion. Sometimes, it could be a sense of breathless euphoria out of serendipity or the warmth that you felt. Or when your heart feels like it's dealing with a piercing pain on the verge of being broken into many little pieces, you are confident that you can mend it and you're able to say "I will be alright".



For my values, I drew out the themes and established three valuables that are vital for my nourishment. I tag it "The Holy Trinity" as aptly referring to the unison towards actualising my purpose. In other words, my purpose is the overall concept (of existence) I aspire towards, while my values are the sensibilities guiding my actions to realise it. Quite a simple relationship I think. My purpose is rather straightforward and it has been predetermined. Yet, it's still crucial to contextualise it according to my limited consciousness— making it make sense to me, so actualising my purpose becomes possible.



Besides configuring my sense of self, among other significant exposures were losing (I talked about it here: Processing Losses) and consequently learning to make space. I think space and time are two most irreplaceable things. While I have always believed in making time, I no longer believe in the need to make time- you either give or take time. "Things will happen when it happens", I figured. However, for making space, it is consequential and deliberate. It is the impact after having lost a significant friendship, sense of control, and the ability to think for myself (it was such a horrifying experience).



Ultimately, in living through 2021 I was able to make space for meaning. I am not sure if writing out my goals at the beginning was the main reason this happened. Yet, I am grateful to see that I am accepting my tendencies to plan and approach life in methodological and systematic ways. In another perspective, it could be viewed as a coping mechanism to fully embody the spirit of experimenting. And still, having plans does not grant you the courage to take action. I must admit, when there are times I lack confidence and courage, the only way to overcome this is to passionately (silent) scream, "Let's fuck around and find out!".



I hope that your 2021 was a meaningful year.