arriving at the words i've been grasping at

(sept 2018 - july 2021)

Thinking about "sorry"s followed quickly by “thank you”s — sorry for making you wait, thank you for waiting for me. Thank you for your patience.

I've been sitting with grief I didn't know existed until I spoke it aloud. Sitting with selves that didn't get airtime until I spoke them aloud. Re-experiencing words now that I speak them aloud. Thinking about the traversal between a loose constellation of projects as braiding. Reading a couple books in parallel, as braiding, as a coevolution like flowers that hold the imprint of beaks of pollinating birds who are long gone. Limbs that mysteriously grow back their radial bodies. Other inane, charming facts about beings we cohabit this world with as frames of guiding.

Learning how to fight when it matters, for fighting to be play. How to express anger, and desire, and learn self preservation in the process. Performance as a space of play, and so, performance as possibility. But process, practice, over performance. Growing holes whole again through building a home with dear friends. Caring for a shared space, scouring for reasons to celebrate, so many haphazard meals shared together. Groupchats and DM threads as pocket incubators to spiral within together. Variations of the same conversations with other open-hearted people wondering about what the Good Life could look like for us. Every week, friends to catch up with, celebrate with. Imagining one another, which is to say, carrying one another, into the future.

Realizing versus actualizing; baby steps starting at the present. I used to be so scared, of everything, it felt. I no longer want to be driven by fear whenever I can manage to summon something else. Listmaking is the practice of grasping at how improbably vast this life I live will be, but I might as well try anyway. I am feeling so much love, so much grounding in people I'm around and hope in the people I've yet to meet, feeling like for the first time I am showing up as I am, truly. I wish I could clasp the shoulders of the self I was 2,3 years ago, and let her know that the convictions did mean something even though it must have felt so disorienting and scary for them to have not made sense in the moment. I am so sorry to have kept you waiting, thank you so much again for being here. <3

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