Main umbrella: more things can be in your control than you think.
You can't swing the pendulum another way the moment you face failure or rejection. You know what clicks and what attracts you! You can't win it all.
Yeah, there are times when you feel curious about someone, but I think there are times when you feel like you're forcing yourself to feel curious about them because of the initial first impression. No one thinks or cares about you that much, you know? What can you do, when you aren't feeling it?
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I like jazz, feelings, style, vibes, influence, energy, resourcefulness. I like it when someone has opinions. Taste. They have both the ability to not care, but also have fun and be carefree. With certain people, you feel a breath of fresh air — it's almost like you don't need to force create anything to make something happen. Maybe there is something there, maybe not. Forces, things move around, always in flux. Maybe I had hope for something there, but it's almost pointless effort to accept otherwise.
It's also hard to write streams of consciousness in a social setting. Privacy versus publicity. I've been all over the place online lately, and it's breached my commitment to building, developing. I keep going back to this thought though; maybe certain things are out of your control. You can control what you'd like to control, but you can never force it. You are in control of what you can do once you've accepted what is strong, certain for you; you shouldn't have to explain your reasoning. That's what I mean by riding the wave; there are itches you want to scratch, and it's worth scratching that itch but just once to say you've tried it and let it go on its own in order to prevent it from wilding out as you knew from the beginning that you should have avoided scratching.
It's a delicate balance of course; I think there is still value in getting to know someone that you initially don't get along on the same wavelength with, and with some effort on both ends, you can get there and have quality time for that period. But I do think that period doesn't last long and often. We all have our default wavelengths that we ride on, and if we don't interfere in synchonicity, then it's going to be hard to have fun.
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Accepting the wave and riding it is important. But committing to a plan or an activity you wanted to make happen in the past is an act of playing with nonlinearity of time. For instance, even if you may not feel like following through with something in the moment, it's worthwhile that effort — however much sacrifice you think it may be — to invest into delivering that certain goal because that promise itself is sacred. You would be losing the one thing you have, control over your past self that you've made a promise to. I used to think it wasn't authentic, naive almost, to not follow through a plan because it didn't match the current me's desires. But of course, with a lot of things, they come with trade-off's — but personally, I'm learning to be more tasteful with following through plans, especially with other people, as feelings are involved. I think I've grown up in that sense. But the fact that you can sort of nonlinearly embody that past self and spring it into life is sort of a sick experiment I want to try.
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Another retrospective is though that certain people feel psychotic to me. But maybe I'm biased. I was certainly psychotic back then too — when I'm not “feeling” something. I really don't want to think too hard about this anymore; I just want to write about something concrete.
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