a different kind of senioritis

part of why i went to nyc was to find novelty. it was the middle of the fall and i was bored, sad, and dissatisfied with life at home. i wanted something to happen. then a nifty travel scholarship showed up on my twitter feed...

i tend to drift off into my thoughts. so, whenever i found my mind someplace else, i would tell myself: this is where i am in the world now. i'm eating hot dog buns in chinatown. i'm looking at a giant billboard that is ripping on nfts in times square. i'm window shopping in soho. if i could keep my mind localized in my body, i could begin to appreciate the beauty of walking on new soil. nyc used to feel like a vague image but now i was in it, i was witnessing the oddities and quirks of a world different from the one i was familiar with. in other words, novelty made this world became so much more real to me.

my second last semester of high school just ended and i don't actually feel lethargic (not that i want to be here though 😭). so i'm feeling a different kind of senioritis. rather than drained of motivation, i feel sentimental for how i've become a new person over and over again during the 4-year-long journey.

yet, i stayed in the same place for it all. my older relatives keep asking me which university i will be studying at this fall. my answer is the same each time: i don't know. i don't yet know which city i'll be living in, the same way i don't know who i will be four months from now.

i used to think that university was like a new year - a space for inducing rapid self-transformation simply by virtue of happening. but i don't think university will magically reconfigure my level of conscientiousness. however, that's not what i'm looking forward to the most. it's the change. it's the people i'll get to meet. it's the chance to break into a different city and make a new home to rest my head. this novelty, i hope, will make this world feel much more expansive to me again.

i want growth, unfamiliarity, and excitement. but i've also been thinking about what i will be missing out on. once i move out of my home, i won't get to watch my little brother edit his videos for his youtube channel, nor will i get to participate in all the new inside jokes my family will make. i have two younger siblings but i will no longer be able to witness their day-by-day coming-of-age in-person.

sometimes it feels like i'm going to get everything i want since everything is going to change. but at the same time, maybe nothing will. maybe i already have everything i need.

Published by jodi sy (jodi) 2 years ago on Sunday the 6th of February 2022.

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