i don’t move from A to B
but rather Q to P to E to Z when i venture down the endless rabbit hole of my mind
to myself i’m so unkind and it seems i’ll never find
solace, peace, or comfort with myself.
call it what you want: a defense mechanism, a victim complex, a self-pity soirée
but i’m the furthest from okay and it may be here to stay, yet i want to run far, far away from
the stress, the confusion, the fear, the circular thinking.
my ship is constantly sinking in this storm but i’m desperately hoping, praying, wishing for a lifeboat
——
the GOAT, the greatest of all time is what i aspire to be
nothing makes me happier than the prospect of a future me
not JUST with the american dream of a job a house a spouse 2 kids and a nice car, but
i want to go beyond conventional goals - while i live my own life i want to take the opportunity to improve the lives of others.
i want to do good and combat inequality by breaking down class walls - i wanna do my part in healing the world by any means necessary
these motivations brighten my mind, lift my mood and free me from the chains of my self-doubt
but this desperation turns into manic obsession
and i can see myself deranged
the contradiction between unlimited self-belief and absolute worthlessness haunts me, my inner voice taunts me
that i can’t reconcile these two halves of my identity
i wonder what it’s like to be blissfully ignorant
and i often ridicule myself for being so dense
maybe the job, the spouse, the house, the kids and the cars are all i need to be happy?
and i’ve gotta build a mile-high emotional fence to save me from myself?
when i observe my mind from the outside it doesn’t make any sense.
if i were just another faceless person in the crowd of humanity,
not always struggling to find meaning, maybe i’d have my sanity
instead of the philosophical vanity that comes bundled with my aspirations
of wanting to create impact, wanting my place in history intact.
i can’t seem to find out what it is that other people have that i’ve always lacked:
a mechanism to shut it off, to get out of my own head.
when i talk to others i’m vibrant but my inner dialogue is dead
i’m fearless and perseverant when i offer advice to those close to me;
they treat me as a wise force
an objective resource that opens their minds and helps them see their problems from different angles.
why i can’t i be that for myself? what is it about this toxic self-talk that keeps me from using my own wisdom to better myself?
it’s the distrust, the lack of worth, the fear of ultimately being nonessential;
but, to me, living a boring, complacent, stock photo life is essentially nonexistence.
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