Am I going to be one of those bitter people?

You know I am witnessing a strange phenomenon— people, as they grow into adults starting to retreat into themselves, dangerously. They used to be kind, fun, intelligent and forthcoming. They go to work, take care of their health, shower and are decent sons and daughters. They are not depressed in the clinical sense, but in the sense that they are withdrawn, quietly lamentful, cynical, low on energy, and pessimistic — painfully pessimistic.

"Babe, are you dangerously self-isolating?"

It is usually a warning bell for me because it also seems to be a pivotal point, a point where they shut the doors for others to get any close to them. Something clearly upsets them but there is no way we could reach a point of vulnerability to bring up that conversation.

I wonder what happened. Were the doe-eyed expectations of adulthood shattered by the reality that we are not the Rockstars but in fact, regular Joe's who bear the drudgery of a redundant monotony? The fact that failure is not inversely proportional to the effort put in, and sometimes will, luck and manifestations do not work. The inexplicable trepidations of ill-timing that only took away dreams that were THIS close and that no amount of rationalising or overthinking can help but to just accept reality. Or were their hearts broken by the tragedy of how selfish the world can be, how lonely it can feel and the fact that probably only we ourselves can save us, which is an absurd feeling on a planet full of 8 billion+?

I didn't get it earlier. I am starting to get it now. In the natural progression of life, we're kind of destined to become pessimistic, and the brain is bent to harbour negative thoughts if not monitored. Only very recently, a bunch of personal tragedies pulled me down, you wonder where do you channel this anger of unfairness, remorse, and anguish? Where do you vent the sorrows in this busy world? And eventually, decide there is no way but to gulp it down. But, the act of gulping it down is so so so hard. It's absurd! It's absurd because it often chips away the zest for life— you know that feeling when you wake up in the morning every day and think to yourself, such a wonderful world, but when you're low, it is just another day.

Talking specifically about myself, I quite admire my openness, my sense of adventure and I like to attribute it to my enthusiastic self that wants me to experience everything in the world as a whole, in its rawest manner. I fiercely want to protect this in me. But oh man, oh man, it's so hard to not be bitter at the collective sorrows life throws at us, it's so hard to not notice the wrongs that were done, the treatment of you that wasn't right, the giving that was only lip service, that its an effort to believe that there is any light in this world. I fear that someday, this collective sigh will just tip me over, to a place where there is no coming back from. I fear that someday when my guards are down, it will catch me by surprise.

And that is the paradox I had in mind when I started writing this post — the answer to that fear is not having your guard up because there is only so much you can experience with your heart protected — a perpetual meh. To live the fullest, one must participate with arms wide open, love the fullest. One must believe that good things are going to happen, after all the world is an inherently great place to be is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

No amount of theorising from the sidelines can make you really feel the real deal. 

So I applaud the courage to stay open despite this fear, and my only wish in life is that no matter what happens, no matter how bad things go, I wish for my heart to stay open to all the good in this world 💛, and to that, I want to make sure that my wisdom, my optimism will always overpower my remorse of keeping my heart open despite knowing well the dangers it will bring. I hope that no matter what are the downs, I never get bitter or angry at life, accept my lows with grace and elan; and always have the humility to enjoy the morning light, the birds chirping and the flowers/ Because THERE IS so much good in this world even despite all our ordinary lives.

“The very meaninglessness of life forces man to create his own meaning. Children, of course, begin life with an untarnished sense of wonder, a capacity to experience total joy at something as simple as the greenness of a leaf; but as they grow older, the awareness of death and decay begins to impinge on their consciousness and subtly erode their joie de vivre, their idealism – and their assumption of immortality. As a child matures, he sees death and pain everywhere about him, and begins to lose faith in the ultimate goodness of man. But, if he’s reasonably strong – and lucky – he can emerge from this twilight of the soul into a rebirth of life’s elan. Both because of and in spite of his awareness of the meaninglessness of life, he can forge a fresh sense of purpose and affirmation. He may not recapture the same pure sense of wonder he was born with, but he can shape something far more enduring and sustaining. The most terrifying fact about the universe is not that it is hostile but that it is indifferent; but if we can come to terms with this indifference and accept the challenges of life within the boundaries of death – however mutable man may be able to make them – our existence as a species can have genuine meaning and fulfillment. However vast the darkness, we must supply our own light.” ― Stanley Kubrick


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