3am

i haven't stopped thinking about helena fitzgerald's three in the morning since it came out. what else feels like three am—



baking cookies past midnight when you really should be sleeping / watching planes take off from the lake airport on a summer night the perfect shade of dark blue / the beginning, and some of the middle, and the very end of the last startup i was part of / the rooftop of the Recurse Center / Brooklyn, fall 2019 / this song / a long time ago, during the early days of spring, the way we were underwater the entire time, hazy and secret; the way i knew that he was eventually going to break my heart / every bonfire i've ever been to / every letter i've ever written / every text i've sent when i knew that you were sleeping / half of the songs by The Naked and Famous / dancing on a boat in the San Francisco harbour with people i'd just met, whose names i don't remember, who i never spoke to again after that night / Fridays when we‘re catching up on video call and it’s so late and we should all really sleep, but we stay awake just a little longer because very few things in the world feel exactly like this / moments in which i choose a fight with someone i adore because they're worth the hard conversations i wouldn't bother to have with anyone who i cared about a tiny bit less / Kensington Market, any time of the day / typing to someone very far away, on your computer, in the dark, alone in your apartment, all the things you've never said out loud / my whole university experience, in the single winter night we spent in Middlesex College until three am, working on a topology problem set / being the only two people in the back of a coffee shop / landing at an empty airport in a new city at a strange blue hour / driving home from a friend's house in the middle of the night / this song, too / Cherry Beach after sunset / all solo travel / the beginning of new love, where you're never sure if it's all in your head, the moment when you find out that it isn't; it's here and real and in front of you / every single phone call home / voicemails from people you love / most poetry collections / swimming, late at night, in the backyard of my childhood home / all of Tiny Pretty Things / writing on livejournal in the early 2000s / the night we stood on a bridge over the canal in Amsterdam together for what we knew would be the first time and the last time in our only lives / church, every single song from Hillsong Worship / every conversation i had on msn messenger in the 2010s / being seventeen, and twenty-four, and— / you think it feels right but you don't know / you've got everything you wanted but you're not sure /

the moment when you know that you're seeing a place for the last time