I had always thought that true beauty meant true lightness, and so I tried to be that for you: a kind of true lightness in the times of your darkness. I guess I’m only putting the pieces together now that true beauty, or true maturity, comes in the form of self-awareness. It’s not always true lightness that’s the most beautiful thing – it’s understanding yourself and sharing that true self with others.
I said the above paragraph in a voice recording to a friend yesterday night. Looking upon these words on a new day, I am reminded that is difficult to translate emotion into words because everything feels much duller once they hit the air: once they are no longer contained in the space between the chest and the heart.
Nevertheless, recent conversations show me how my words can make others feel like they have someone who listens. Whether it is over long Facebook messenger threads, or hasty voice recordings on the dark route home - the words grasped in the moment before dissipation have never gone wasted.
Everybody is afraid of vulnerability. This fear has a different anatomy for everyone. For one person, it can be an extra heart - giving themselves to others so they can diminish their own problems in comparison. For another, an extra mouth that speaks so loudly it drowns out everything the person attempts to say. For me, it is an extra mind. This alien mind of mine - that takes each thought and creates inertia - that doesn't drown out my words but stops their creation in the first place.
This year has taught me a lot about how I distract myself from my own feelings - how I crawl out of my normal brain like a child and indulge in the bad habits of the other brain of mine. Sometimes, it's easier to ignore and distract than lie down and feel the incredible weight of everything you wish was weightless. The world doesn't work like that - there is no magic that will turn off gravity. The best we can do is attempt to be present: display ourselves however raw and unedited we are, and hope to help others.
"Great writing should help people feel less alone inside”
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