Recently I’ve found myself wandering in circles. Not exactly in the sense of
being lost for a sense of direction but, being stuck in a seemingly never-ending loop of the same activities and cycling through the same mindsets each time – all with little tangible progress, devoid of any real measurable metrics of success. 

Fortunate enough to have been able to attend tertiary education (and survive
long enough to pass), yet unfortunate enough to graduate at the beginning of a
global pandemic, life since graduating has been a series of repeating events
that I can’t seem to break out of. Despite trying my best to scavenge some kind
of learning or insight from each passing failure, it is consistently testing my
mental resilience to be able to throw myself out there and do it all again at
such a rapid succession.

I truly envy those with the ability to isolate the faults around these events alongside faults with themselves. Trying the same thing repeatedly and expecting the outcome to change is considered insanity, and it is easy to begin to feel like this when the only common denominator here is me. There is a time and place to blame yourself for your own faults but blaming yourself for things outside of your own control will only act to dig that hole a little deeper - at least,
that’s what I’ve been trying to tell myself.

Though I don’t feel like I have lost focus on my long-term goals, I feel that I
have lost some sense of autonomy over the efforts I have been making to learn
new skills and pursue growth. A good friend of mine reminded me recently that I shouldn’t just build new things for the sake of ‘what would other people like’
or ‘what would impress someone else’, but rather just build work that I want to
build, things that I can be happy with. 

Ultimately, I think that people will be attracted to what others are passionate
about. Of course, this doesn’t guarantee everyone will see the work the same
way. It is easier said than done, however how you think your work will be received should really not be a high priority if you are wanting to learn. But whether they like it or not, they will recognise that there is a genuine sense of pride behind what you’re doing. For now, that’s what I’m going to be trying to do. That’s where I’ll be.

I'd like to be, I'd like to be more consistently here, you know? I'd like to really get on a ro-... I'd like to just, and I know it's not probably ever, maybe, possible but because it's so improbable, and so impossible, I'd just like to really see how long I could last as being really here, you know? Really in it, really alive in the moment, you know?

A glimpse into my mind over the past year or so.