It feels strange coming back after some time has passed and reading previous posts (and drafts) here. Looking over old writing gives me a glimpse of the kind of person I was back when I wrote them. I guess that's kind of the point, and I'm sure it's not an original feeling but, I'm not really sure if I feel too positively about it. On one hand it's interesting, as mentioned, to get a preview back into that headspace for a short while. But at the same time I feel like it's almost worse if you end up agreeing with the general sentiment you might have had 5 or so years ago. Are you not growing as a person? Are you stuck in a mental rut? Are you incapable of forming new ideas and new perspectives on things? For most I would imagine they would feel fine about it. Some might even argue that hey, if the headspace they were in back then was sound, agreeing with yourself from within that time is fine also - in fact it would be healthy. The need to pursue some kind of sense of progression and to forcibly do so is a betrayal of yourself, by both disregarding and undermining the security of your past self, and further obstructing yourself now from feeling any sense of comfort. I've never been able to be happy with myself if I don't find myself moving forward. If there is no kind of feeling or progression or sense of incremental accomplishment, I find it difficult to feel complete. I always felt that everyone was like me, and felt the same way. If you see it written out in-front of you like this you might even agree with me. It always felt logical to want to move 'forward'. Whether it's a financial situation, a relationship, a career, an environment, or a physical state. It would be considered natural to want to improve your circumstances to some tangible degree over the years. I want to make something clear. I don't perceive myself as a masochistic, anhedonic kind of individual. I am not allergic to comfort. I think myself not above anyone else. I derive pleasure from a lot of things. Though I have often felt I have a harder time relaxing and being comfortable around others than maybe a normal person would, I have never felt incapable of it. Ever since my early 20s, I've had this unyielding drive to improve, to push myself forward. I've driven myself close to burnout multiple times, even convincing myself at one point that burnout was not real - it was a wall your mind would create, but could see through. A glass fabrication you can break if only you work hard enough. But I know now that this feeling I have - it's hindering me more than propelling me forward. I'm paraphrasing someone else's words when I say this but, ambition is like a fire. You can either cook with it or you can burn your house down. Somewhere along the way I think I lost sight of that. There's nothing healthy about ambition if it is pushing you to artificial milestones of success. I think part of me knew this all along but didn't want to accept it. I would cast judgement on those who I felt were complacent. Even in cases where that might be true, it's simply a projection of fear. Fear that I myself could end up complacent, but fear also that I could never feel comfortable either. That I would never feel complete. Despite feeling at the time that I was drowning in self-awareness writing something so personal, looking back on my older posts now I understand I was beginning to surface this sentiment all those years ago. I just hadn't realised it yet. Chasing a goal won't make you feel complete. Often times, neither will reaching it. Being comfortable right here in your own skin, feeling what you feel right now as you are - that might not do it either. But it's a start, and that's the best I've got right now. "People get too used to convenience. They think convenience is better."
"They throw out what is truly good."
"But what about lights?"
"We have got candles and linseed oil."
"But night's so dark!"
"Yes! That is what night is supposed to be.
Why should night be as bright as day?
I would not like nights so bright you could not see the stars."
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