i find that i tend to write about the bad days more often than the good ones. that being said, this week was pretty rough. for no reason in particular really, but i've been feeling really bad about myself these last few days. i've cried pretty frequently. i just feel so empty at home every day, and the same eating/self esteem issues have been kind of bad. i always have things to work on, but i can't seem to find the motivation to get any of it done. i spend my time holed up in my cave of a room, and so i end up being really sad all day. i know i shouldn't be taking my family for granted, and using this opportunity to spend more time with them, but i just really want to go to seattle already so i an start feeling like an adult, moving forward in their life again. on a lighter note, here are some things that i've been grateful for lately: - my friends in seattle, who reassure me that i am missed and someone they enjoy having around. ben's reached out to me a few times, and we've chatted and watched the silent voice together (godfuck what an emotional movie). cynthia (my roommate) and i have talked a few times too, and i'm really excited to see her again. caroline's also reached out to me a bit, and even posted the other day about me on her finsta :') - my discord friends, who keep me company every night and make me smile and help me feel less alone. it's nice to know that even people i've never met in person like talking to me, and that we can have fun together despite everything else going on. - my friends here in my hometown. donna, sanjana, and harika, who i've met up with a few times and alwyas show that they care about me. katie, who i'm actually seeing on monday, who is patient and kind and understanding as always, and keeps in touch with me. - my family, who are keeping it together loads better than me, and are patient with my mood swings and outbursts. - my safety and security. everything really sucks right now. but i'm grateful that i have a roof over my head, running water, electricity, food, etc. things are hard for me right now. the situation is unavoidable, and everyone is struggling in their own way. but soon it'll start getting better, little by little. it's okay if i'm hurting a little more than those around me, it doesn't make me any weaker. it's okay if i have overdue assignments, it doesn't make me any less successful. it's okay if some days i feel like shit and don't have the mentality to be productive. not getting things done doesn't make me a lesser person. i need to do what helps me best right now, and as things start to go back to normal, i can slowly start building up my mental strength again too.
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