to my first love

for me to love someone else was for me to let myself down.

i looked for sparks to fly in the oddest places, trying to see every stranger as a potential suitor and every encounter as a “meet-cute.” i desperately grasped for what wasn't there -- writing my own fantasy-dream-come-true even when there was never an empty page to begin with.

in the end, it was my fault for not being good enough:

i was too emotional.

stubborn.

negative.

picky.

anxious, stupid, annoying.



too insecure.



so, sometimes, I don't believe it when you say you love me, “there are better girls out there,” I think to myself, Ones far prettier. funnier. braver.



so why me?



they say that you need to love yourself before you love someone else, but i don't think that's always the case. loving myself is hard, but loving you comes as naturally as the changing of the seasons.



i trust you, which means that i trust the you, that loves me too.



with all of the unrealistic romances i've dreamed up in my head, i’d expected my first relationship to be like the other almost-loves; disappointments and heartache, guilt and loneliness.

instead, i'm awake in bed at 4 am with big fat happy tears rolling down my face, smiling at the texts from you on my phone. 



instead, you've helped me feel at home even in a tiny apartment half a country away from my family and friends. 



instead i can't seem to get tired of you, even after every day and night we've spent together. my days now are warmer, filled with comfort and breathless laughter and words so sweet they could be dripping with honey.



and even when they come, the days where i feel like i'm not enough aren't so bad with you by my side.