I will always put honey in my avocado and eat it like that for breakfast because that's how my mom likes it; I will always take care of my plants because my dad never forgets to water his; I started using skincare because my childhood friend was trying it and wanted me to do it with him; I started thrifting more because my friend wanted to change her closet often and I joined along because it was fun; my Spotify has crossfade on and max bass because years ago, my friend took my phone and adjusted it for me.
It's beautiful how we carry forward these pieces of people that we have not spoken to in years and present them in the music we listen to or in the way we cook our food. This curation of our selves is an acknowledgment of our fondness for others - to like something enough of another person that we make it a piece of ourselves.
Jorge Luis Borges said it best: “I am not sure that I exist, actually. I am all the writers that I have read, all the people that I have met, all the women that I have loved; all the cities that I have visited, all my ancestors."
And I've noticed a pattern emerged from all the interactions that we live through daily - we need a witness to our lives. What does any of that combined effort mean when there are over 7 billion people on this planet, going through the same motions we are? In a marriage, in a relationship, in a friendship, you're promising to care about everything: the good, the bad, the mundane, and the chaos. These people we surround ourselves with enter into a vow with you that your life will not go unnoticed, because ‘I’ will notice it. ‘I’ will be your witness.
There's a Turkish proverb, "Güzelliğine kaybetmiş bu dünyada sana şahit oldum", meaning "In a world that lost its beauty, I witnessed you".
Which makes it all the more agonizing to go through a divorce or a breakup. It's so difficult to suddenly become a person of their past when nobody else but them witnessed those moments with you, and you're left wondering if one day, you'll be the only one left remembering it. You lose a version of yourself that lived with them for so long. And you have to move forward, carrying a remnant of them in how you organize your pantry or in the slang you use.
Who's left to witness who you were and who you've become because of it?
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I tracked my moods for every day last year, and noticed a trend. 2023 started off strong with enthusiasm for what's to come, but with the ephemeral feeling that the changes might not be what I anticipated. As the seasons shifted to spring and summer, the tides of excitement crashed over me, and I realized that I was struggling to stay afloat. Life was pulling me on all sides, and it was exhausting even trying to maintain my presence of mind. As fall rolled in, there was a refresh - friends, new and old, coming together once again and helping me breathe once more. Every day last year, I was my sole witness.
I constantly met new people and learned new things to progress day by day, because that's what you have to do, right? Lose a piece of yourself to become someone more, someone better than yesterday. And once you grow old, you become afraid of even losing things without any value.
Nothing of me is original though. In a fleetingly melancholic way, isn't that beautiful? I find fragments of everyone I've ever known and loved and touched in my playlists and the coffee I make. We may not know each other anymore but this is how we will stay connected in the present and future. I hope a fragment of me is with you too.
To think, that listening to one song, everyone is thinking of different people.
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