I was told that during your zodiac year, it's often seen as a year of change and requires extra caution, as it is believed to bring both challenges and opportunities. I thought I'd finally be lucky - the year of the dragon, that it's my year. But it’s only felt like a continuation of last year’s poverty of mind. I can only pray that the rest of the year can bring me some solace.
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As I’m writing this piece, I’m sitting in the Tokyo-Narita airport, facing the bright blue sky that’s casting an evergrowing shadow on the scene behind the window panes. And for some reason, the sky looks different than the Ontario afternoons I’m used to; almost like the orange hue brings a sense of nostalgia and peace that I’m longing for.
This year has brought a lot of change: from graduation, to the constant travels, and the calmness that comes with it. But it feels transcient, with the looming of my future casting its own shadow further down my mind. Some things stayed persistent throughout the changes - the mental health issues, the stagnation of my life, the stress of feeling like I could be doing more. That I should be doing more. Seeing my friends step forward with their lives as I ruminate on my own shortcomings feels like a cruel repeat of my gap year. What more can I do? Is this all my efforts amount to? I don’t believe its imposter syndrome, but moreso the decay of my sense of self and composure.
After a whirlwind of being in San Francisco to reunite with some old friends, it felt similar to my time in Berkeley last year. Except this time, I’m about to head off to Vietnam rather than come from there.
My plan for this coming month is to try to return to form, where I can reset my mental and find the eye amidst the storm. Maybe I’ll come back with a job secured and a future to look forward to, but I won’t make the same naive mistakes like last time. I need to focus on what’s beyond that - being able to feel like myself again.
As the Tokyo skies begin it’s evening routine, I should also sunset this feeling of aimlessness. The orange clouds grow darker, but will return brighter in a new form the next day.
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