These four grey walls that surround me compound with the overcast skies seen through my window. The clouds lay stagnant above me, and the last of the sun rays grow weaker against the greenery as I watch from my couch. I find the refrigerator hum fade into the back, and my emotions feel imprisoned within those walls that people call a skull.
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We’re living in the most difficult times to find love and happiness.
The weaponization of loneliness is surrounding our view with thousands of options available via dating apps, messing with people’s heads. Many know their own worth but sometimes go on sale, because the instant gratification of matching with someone on those apps feeds the ego.
But that myopic lens isn't as good as it seems. Convenience has ruined the world. Relying on that cheap dopamine has willingly put our fulfillment in life back a step, conditioning us to think that having more options is better as a means to sell our soul.
Where is the love that comes with inconvenience? Where is the joy that comes from figuring out life, together?
Due to that fear of commitment, so many people are scared of being in an exclusive relationship, and it often masks a deeper reluctance to be truly vulnerable with ourselves. Creating emotional distance from someone they like, the genuine human connection that momentarily sparked is extinguished as a defensive coping mechanism. To lose a part of ourselves if a break up occurs, is the fear that hides in the back of our minds. The fear that holds us back from discovering so much more, making us believe that moving forward risks losing a part of ourselves.
"[T]he way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost” (G. K. Chesterton). Most things aren't built to last; that doesn't mean you shouldn't try. And if you don't try, you were never meant to.
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Maybe it's time for a walk outside, I tell myself. Putting one foot in front of the other in the night's breeze, the dark blue hues seep into the grey tones of the clouds above. My breath ebbs and flows between the heat of my lips and the cold lingering in the air.
And that reminds of my love never lived. It never ran its course, never tested, never endured hardships; therefore remains perfect in my eyes. But it deceives me - the grass is always greener on the other side because I am too far away to see the weeds. By embracing the fear and vulnerability that ebbs with the love, I'm starting to understand that I don't have to love myself first for others to love me.
It's this psychologic need to be at my best, to feel as though I am deserving of someone else's love and affection. And that if I'm not at that point, then who wouldn't avert their gaze? If it's not a two-way street, how am I ever supposed to catch up?
But I was proven wrong, and every day, she reminds me that two people may never be at the right place at the right time. And that's fine. She found someone special, and she didn't want to lose the opportunity to let this love run its course.
Those four grey walls that surrounded me with cheap dopamine felt so familiar and comfortable, but are so distant now, and each step outside with her was a breath of fresh air.
I haven't looked back once.
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