Recently, I became aware that I was romanticizing what people could be, rather than seeing them for who they are and what they've shown me. While being entangled with various people, I tried my best to live by maintaining my presence of mind. But people forget their original intent in a crowd; they lose themselves. And that was something I finally just noticed I was playing into.
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I was asked what my top 3 priorities are currently, and it was something someone hasn't asked me in a long while. My priorities have been fleeting and ever changing for the past year but since this fall, I've been introspecting on what my present sense of self is as well as how I want to grow. As the days passed me by, I lost touch with parts of my identity that I wanted to reignite, and there's new pieces that I wanted to continue fostering but never gave the energy or time to.
My answer to my friend's question remains firm as I linger on this a week later:
1. to heal and rebalance myself.
I used to always hear that I was a very calm person to talk to, despite everything going on around me. The chaos of day to day life swept me off my feet, and I idled on the ground, missing the beauty in small features of life. Those aspects of me were lost in my relationship; when did they disappear?
2. to nurture my current friendships and build new ones more intentionally.
I took for granted the people that I had surrounding me. My headspace was a cynical whirlpool that projected onto others, or manifested in fallacies that I fell victim to. I can't do good if I'm wishing bad on others.
3. to pour my energy into things that matter to me.
Whether it was for school or for my career, I was headstrong with my ego. I've been grounded this year, and as I remain there, I'm trying to understand how to be better and how to do better. I have to be cautious as I forge forward, giving my all with no regrets before I graduate.
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Even if I don't change, the way everyone treats me will. Repetition is a form of change, they say; but as life goes on, I have to figure out how to close out this chapter rather than repeat it.
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