The smell of sewage floats through the air, and the New York City lights are blinding me with a multitude of neon signs. Everyone's acting as if it doesn't bother them, and I guess my eyes are getting used to it too.
The energy is electric; so much so that I'm exhausted from just people watching the millions living their Monday night in Lower East Side. Why are people screaming at 1 in the morning? My window pane is so thin, I can hear a group of friends joking about the aggressive New York hagglers trying to sell them knock-off Gucci purses. I can hear couples flirting with each other as the night ends their date.
It makes me restless as I try to close my eyes from the overstimulating atmosphere on my deflating air mattress, in my otherwise empty bedroom. The contrast of activity coming from outside to where I lay keeps me up in the night. But who needs sleep in New York City? I was ready to take it on and allow the energy flow through me... I could always sleep another time.
But suddenly, sunny San Francisco weather welcomes me. The fresh air and ocean breeze wafting through my hair; the clear, blue skies stretch above me; the creaking floorboards of my AirBnb are the loudest sounds that I hear at night now.
Can someone tell me how I got here?
I always figured I'd eventually make my way here, but was this meant to happen so soon? I've had no chance to process what just happened. It's almost disorienting, exhausting, to experience all this change as I'm thrown into a new environment and lifestyle within the first 2 months of this year. Almost like I'm thrown into a new life, with no time to process or mourn the loss of what could have been.
Courtesy of 2, 3 cups of coffee a day, I'm able to stay afloat amidst all this change. So bound to the situation I'm placed into, I should be grateful that I have this second chance - and I am. But all the chaos that happens in my life feels like I'm being carried by fate rather than steering it.
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“To call [this] a miracle that wasn't particularly wished for a coincidence, I can't forgive the me who's content with that” - Inio Asano.
This change has affected my sense of self and place, and I'm struggling to get good footing with my new life here. But it may be too soon to tell - I'm trusting in the process, and I hope the process knows that. Fingers crossed.
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